Saturday, February 5, 2011

Upstairs Eve

12:30 am: I set the alarm for 6:00.

6:00 am: The alarm sounds. I hit snooze, knowing perfectly well I will hit snooze again.

6:09 am: The alarm sounds. I hit snooze.

6:18 am: The alarm clock sounds. I turn it off and get out of bed. You're only allowed two snoozes as an adult; anymore and you're a college kid sleeping off a hangover.

7:10 am: Wake Eve with promise to go to the hospital. "MY hospital? I LOVE my hospital!" Natalie rolls over and asks why Eve is so weird before falling back asleep.

7:12 am: Dress Eve up as Minnie Mouse. Note: it is always important to dress your child in such a way that you can describe them as succintly as possible, in the event they flee on foot. Nine times out of ten, children are faster than their parents, and I guarantee you that Minnie Mouse will catch more attention than a Baby Gap mannequin.

7:15 am: Hello, Kai-Lan. Entertain my daughter as we drive to her hospital. Above all, please no talk of food or drink, kay?

8:15 am: Arrive at Duke. Check into the hem-onc clinic to get height, weight, and vitals. (I have already forgotten the specifics, but am confident that she is bigger and still has vitals.)

8:30 am: Eve gets an IV since she lost her port to the Christmas tree. She was scared when she saw the needle but didn't actually cry when it went in. The numbing spray totally kicks the pants off of that strange Emla-Press 'N Seal relationship. And now you're left with the uncomfortable mental image of Emla without his pants on, and for that I am sorry.

8:35: The removal of lots of blood for labs per Dr. Acula.

9:00 am: Check in for our 9:00 appointment in radiology.

9:15 am: Watch as two kids are ushered back to radiology while we are still in the waiting area.

9:20 am: Watch as two more kids are called back.

9:29 am: Try to be as respectful as possible of the If you have been waiting for 30 minutes or more, please tell reception sign. One Mississippi, Two Mississippi...

9:30 am: What da dilly, yo? Oh, you're verifying my insurance? Is this not something you check into when we do advance registration ten days before? And do you honestly think if my insurance doesn't say it's cool to get a CT, then I'm just going to leave? Maybe I'll just go back home to the village and let my medicine man check for relapse symptoms.

9:45 am: Still wondering why it takes so long for someone to get an answer as to whether Cigna is going to allow my daughter with a history of cancer to get a scan. That, and when Downstairs Eve is going to come out to play.

9:58 am: The nurse comes out to get us. We are allowed our scan. Thank you, dart-throwing insurance monkey.

10:10 am: Just letting you know at this point that our appointment was an hour and ten minutes ago.

10:15 am: Finish answering questions about medical history. It is fun to note that now I don't have to spell any of her medications, since everyone knows how to spell vitamin. So long, d-o-x-o-r-u-b-i-c-i-n. Hello F-l-i-n-t-s-t-o-n-e-s.

10:18 am: Radiology is out of apple juice, so Eve agrees to try grape juice.

10:20 am: Eve gives two thumbs down on the grape juice by semi-dramatically acting like she was choking on a ham bone. She says it makes her mouth hurt, which is a polite Eve way of saying she thinks it tastes like death. Unfortunately, the grape juice didn't have much of a chance, serving only as a mixer for the CT contrast.

10:25 am: The doctor hunts down some apple juice and Eve tries again. She's not NPO enough to want to drink the whole thing, but makes a valiant effort.

10:35 am: Nurse records Eve is done with the juice. Now we start the timer for an hour before she can be sedated. You know, since she's supposed to be NPO and all.

10:45 am: Minnie tries to escape.

10:46 am: Minnie is captured and returned to custody.

10:59 am: Peter Pan is done. I am nervous Downstairs Eve wants to come out. Instead, she starts singing the most politically incorrect song in all of Disney history while we rewind Peter Pan. That's right, I said rewind. Donate to Duke so peds recovery can upgrade to DVD players, please.

11:02 am: The Aristocats. Before the movie comes on, there is a Disney commercial for Toy Story: The Video Game, the best 16-bit game of all time! Now available on Sega.

11:10 am: Downstairs Eve is nowhere to be seen. I may never wash this Minnie dress and make her wear it to each and every appointment.

11:15 am: Matt arrives. He's never going to believe me the next time I bring her here and turns into Downstairs Eve.

11:35 am: We are taken back to the scanner. The staff remarks that Eve looks like she's had some Versed (which she hasn't) because of how chill she is. She's like a freakin' Corona commercial.

11:45 am: Eve has the world's largest sticker placed on her chest with four leads. She looks like Iron Man.

11:48 am: The nurse starts the ketamine as I hold Eve. I can tell the second it enters the bloodstream as her eyes start to shake, and she's out.

11:52 am: We hear Eve crying for Mommy as we stand in the waiting room. Matt and I go in and Eve continues to ask for me. I pick her up and she keeps asking for Mommy. She's three inches from my face and doesn't see me.

11:54 am: Eve asks where Daddy is. She doesn't see him over my shoulder. I don't think she sees anything that's real. (Don't do drugs, kids!)

11:55 am: I sit on the stretcher with Eve and they wheel us back to recovery. She asks how many eyes I have. She does not believe my answer based on how many times she keeps asking.

12:10 pm: She truly does not believe I only have two eyes.
12:12 pm: Where's Mommy?
12:13 pm: Where's Daddy?
12:20 pm: Why won't you tell me why you have three eyes?
12:25 pm: I request some Zofran since Eve doesn't look like she's going to sleep off her k-hole. The last time I didn't let her sleep it off, she lost her juicy contrast all over her tutu.
12:30 pm: The nurse wants to know if Eve wants some grape juice. (No.) Apple juice? (No.) Orange juice? (Will it make my mouth hurt?)
12:32 pm: Eve is drinking orange juice and eating graham crackers and I keep wondering how this combination might look on my clothes if she gets jostled too much.
12:50 pm: We are given the all-clear and head back up to the hem-onc clinic.
1:10 pm: Matt is starving and watches as Eve pops cracker after cracker into her mouth. It's like she doesn't even care that we have been NPO.
1:15 pm: We get back to a room. That means we're out of the waiting room and moved into a room to wait.
1:35 pm: The doctors come in and let us know the preliminary report is good. We talk about their participation in St. Baldrick's, and I'm excited about the female doctor shaving her head. She's got a nose ring and she's gonna look totally bad-ass when she goes bald. I'd so pierce my nose if I went bald, and you can quote me on that. Or at least copy and paste.
2:05 pm: A nurse comes in to take out Eve's IV. Eve is pumped about the Bugs Bunny band aid because she has recently become addicted to Bugs Bunny on Netflix. I think she might be one of three kids at clinic who know who Bugs Bunny is. Duke must be getting an awesome deal on Bugs Bunny band aids. If they're lucky, Popeye band aids might go on clearance soon.
2:15 pm: The nurse starts to remove the giant sticker on Eve's chest.
2:18 pm: We all concur that this is one big-ass sticker.
2:19 pm: Motion to add that this sticker is the stickiest.
2:20 pm: What the hell is with this sticker?
2:23 pm: I resolve to write to radiology about this sticker.
2:24 pm: The sticker is off and we are paroled.
2:26 pm: We let Eve pick out something with chocolate and sprinkles on a stick. She has been thinking about it for the past six hours. I cannot believe we have been here for six hours for a five-minute scan.
2:30 pm: Minnie has left the building.
2:45 pm: Victory tacos abound.
3:00 pm: It's rainy. Traffic is not moving. Eve wants more tacos.
3:45 pm: We pick up Natalie and her friend from school. I'm already planning my nap.
4:30 pm: We pick up Daniel from his friend's house. I'm already sleep-walking.
4:45 pm: We drop off the boy we carpool with at his house a few streets down from ours. I'm so close to the couch that I can taste the cracker crumbs under the cushions.
5:10 pm: I turn on Netflix and tell the kids I'm useless and will be resting on the couch while they get smarter by watching...Spongebob.
5:15 pm: I vaguely remember three kids snuggled up on top of me. Their warmth coupled with my exhaustion leads to drool on a couch pillow.
6:20 pm: Matt wakes me up when he gets home from work but unfortunately can't wake up my arm, which has fallen asleep thanks to Minnie napping on it.
In summation, Upstairs Eve, good results, tacos, couch snoozing.

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