1. Assemble family members around birthday girl. Get a photographer to follow you around.
Matt's aunt paid her buddy from Mad.Skillz.Photography to be our pal for the afternoon. Sometimes it's okay to buy your friends.
2. Throw kids on ground. Get photo of that before they get head lice from school. Make sure someone gives that picture to Grandma.
3. Get the birthday girl into the Scrabble-themed party room her family lovingly decorated. Because that's bad-ass right there.
Make sure you and your sister-in-law make fudge and sugar cookies at 2 in the morning before this party, because you know that old people really like fudge and sugar cookies. Also, make sure to go to Cracker Barrel on your way to the party and buy up all the old people candy like licorice, lemon drops, and butterscotch. It will be awesome. Old people and young people will love it. It's only the middle-of-the-road people who really have to worry about their teeth.
4. Bring a Scrabble cake on a turntable, duh. It's a Scrabble party. A Scrabble-Deluxe Edition party.
Make sure that you end up cutting all those tiles twice since you probably want to replace all 225 of them before the party since the humidity will make the first batch all wonky. Ignore other people who say that most of the guests can't see that clearly anyway. IT'S A SCRABBLE-DELUXE PARTY. Not the Big Lots version.
5. Be glad that you replaced the tiles because the birthday girl is inspecting it.
Go along with the flow that Grandma thinks the senior village she lives in orchestrated the festivities. Marvel at how they knew she loves Scrabble and how nice it is that they did more than they usually do for other residents. She's Grandma. She can do, say, or think whatever she wants. That's what I'm going to be if I get to 90.
Or maybe even 40.
6. Decide against putting 90 candles on the cake in a building with so many oxygen tanks.
7. Use great-grandchildren as servants.
Old folks eat that up. Middle-of-the-road folks do, too. Basically, I'm a fan of anyone doing anything for me.
8. Do the Charleston. It's a PARTY.
9. Have a Scrabble tournament. IT'S A SCRABBLE PARTY.
10. Throw back like you're 90.
Be awesome with yo' bad self, Grandma.