Yo! You know what you need in your life? MO' BACON. Mo' bacon is mo' better. Vegetarian? You could use some more quiche up in that mouth. Real men, real women, real children...they all eat quiche. Not those fake men. They eat plastic corn on the cob. Not the fake women, though, because they're dieting.
I actually woke up the other morning to Natalie and Daniel pounding on the kitchen counter while chanting "Quiche! Quiche! Quiche!" As if I had a quiche hot and ready to pull out of my butt for them. (Like how my butt is basically a breakfast Little Caesar's in that scenario?) Their cries were eventually drowned out by Eve, who ran around sans pants while screaming, "Doctor, doctor! I need a new butt. My old one has a crack in it!"
HOW CAN YOU STAND IT NOT TO LIVE HERE WITH ME?
Anyway, less butts, more bacon. I am fundraising for another Ultimate Hike, but this time I have to fundraise twice as ultimate because I told Matt he is doing it with me. You just tell someone something enough times and eventually they'll assume they agreed to it. So let it be written, so let it be done. Hells yeah, Rameses. Matt is going to rock it!
Also, I have to say that The Ten Commandments is one of my favorite movies, which I have a feeling that many people will assume because of the date of this writing that I am pulling their leg. But no, that movie is amazing. For days, my inner-voice changes from a prepubescent teen to Charlton Heston and I feel glorious and righteous and magnificent...I am basically living, breathing, and farting in Technicolor. I remember watching it on ABC as a kid every Easter, and now that I think about it, I can't believe I sat still long enough to watch a four-hour epic that didn't have Papa Smurf in it. But I guess Moses kind of has that Papa Smurf vibe toward the end when he's all white bearded and old, in his red Levite robe, before he's like, dang! If only I hadn't banged on that rock...the Promised Land is RIGHT THERE! I can literally see it from here!!
But at least Moses could take comfort in the fact that he wasn't missing any bacon over there, all by his lonesome. Which brings me back to brunch. You should totally host a brunch at your house for your friends or family. Or just for yourself. You have my permission to eat brunch with yourself. You are good company. You deserve it. You could even eat brunch for breakfast. I won't judge!
I present to you, Let's Do Brunch! Vol. 1 of Non-Charleston Receipts.
None of these recipes were collected by the Junior League of Charleston.
All of them are from me to you with love and bacon grease.
It's the super-cutest little brunch cookbook that you'll ever own, and it even fits in your purse so you don't have to worry about making one of those silly shopping lists ahead of time. What are those ladies trying to prove, anyway?
Not that men don't cook or go shopping. They absolutely do and they should absolutely buy this book. This is America. But it could also be Canada if anyone there wants to order one.
$12 for this piece of future history. All proceeds will go to help the bald kids. If you don't like bacon and you don't like bald kids then NO PROMISED LAND FOR YOU.
Drop me a line to firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know how many dozens you'd like to order.
MRS. MATTHEW B. GRIFFITH (Christy Saunders)