Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A Whole 'Nother Story

Another reason my kids are special: their new favorite movie is Corpse Bride. And Natalie's favorite part? When the corpse comes out of the ground and chases after Johnny Depp. I mean, I get the Johnny Depp part, but the dead body is a whole 'nother story. I did not anticipate the critical acclaim for the film from my group of preschoolers- I picked it up for myself from a movie store going out of business. I like to collect all things Johnny Depp much as I do old cookbooks and big earrings. You just can't get enough of some things.

Johnny Depp again saved the day on the ride home from my mother-in-law's to the Peak of Good Living, as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory distracted the kids from a promised visit to Deadwood that never materialized. (Note to self #942: refer to notes to self #204, 372, and 488 and start checking business hours BEFORE promising children anything.) No worries, though. The Burger King in Windsor, NC has a play area!

The best part of our visit to Burger King was the woman seated at the table next to us who would insanely laugh at whatever Nat, Dan, or Eve said/did/grunted. And by insanely, I mean the kind of laugh that would have scored you some unsterilized ice picks to the brain fifty years ago. No jokes bombed with this lady. I think she's probably one of the people who sit in the front row of America's Funniest Videos, slapping her knees, trying to convince me that the videos are, in fact, some of America's funniest.

(Why, America, are you still sending in VHS tapes from 1988? No one thinks your kid hitting a softball to your private sector is funny. Not even when that vaguely-familiar host narrates over it in a weird cat-lady voice. The whole show just makes me uncomfortable.)

We arrived back home in time to see the landscaper accidentally cut our cable line, which is why you were not immediately notified via blog of the Burger King mistress until today. Apparently, if you only pay for internet service and not cable television, you are not a top priority. As if! Doesn't Time-Warner know who I am??

My name is Christy, and I am addicted to YouTube.

But seriously, I was way more productive without internet service this weekend. Must make mental note to reduce checking of email to twice a day and see if house stays cleaner. Adendum to mental note: slap Time-Warner guy on forehead (with my elbow) the next time he rings my doorbell at the break of dawn to let me know he's laying a new cable. Helloooo! I would not have been startled to see you out back in your neon vest laying out a new line because I would not have been AWAKE to see it!

(Any by break of dawn, I mean 7 am. Which seems particularly early when you were up late catching up on EastEnders. Don't fault me for not being able to resist completely less-than-average looking people who say things like No ladies want a biscuit-munching fatty. I can relate to these people.)

Saturday, Matt and I went out with some friends for dinner and a movie. Matt looked at me suspiciously when I said, yes, I do, in fact, want you to pay $5 for that liter of bottled water. I need to be hydrated throughout this film. Hydration is the key when you later hit the big kid juice and pretend you live in The Hills, except with older, poorer, less attractive people.

Sunday proved to be so hot that I abandoned my plans to shop at the Farmers Market and instead enjoyed the air conditioning of our local Super Wal-Mart. I always get excited when I walk past the baby clothes and see a onesie that says, "Future Wal-Mart Shopper." Hells to the yes.

I felt I hadn't visited a hospital in a long time, so Monday I decided to pay a visit to the place where Daniel had his adenoids removed to take care of the bill. (This was only after receiving a letter that said something like, blah blah blah, we performed an adenoidectomy on your son, blah blah blah, now we want our money.) The reason I went in person to pay instead of over the phone was that the hospital would accept our American Express card, while their over-the-phone billing office would not. I've had three kids at this particular hospital and we have paid for each child with the little green rectangle. American Express: Don't give leave home give birth without it. So why is it that you can only use the card when you are in-patient at the hospital and not when you drop by to pay a bill?

I know I did not just drive all the way from the Peak of Good Living to Raleigh to be told that you do not want my money unless I am in active labor. What's that? You see my crazy cancer mom eyes that can't be picked up on infrared radar but glow red and burn holes in your cubicle's desk calendar? That's right. Find SOMEONE in this hospital who WILL take the little green rectangle before I summon my brother-from-another-mother, Lou Feriggno. LudaChristy does not have time for this. I want my rewards points, stat.

Now it's Tuesday, and it's time to peruse the AmEx catalog to cash in the rewards points our kids' hospital bills are racking up. Wait, no kidneys in here?? Well, there sure as hell better be an au pair.


  1. Christy,
    I 'met' you through TMommies a while ago when someone was asking for prayers for Eve. Since then I am hooked to your amazing fun spirit and awesome writing skills. I live in Morrisville, and perhaps one day we'll get to meet.
    My daughter went to Rex for a kidney ultrasound today and the whole entire time I though of you and Eve. I said to myself... "Maybe this will make me funny like Christy and a talented baker". Still waiting on the miracle....

  2. Tania, I hope you paid with AmEx BEFORE you left Rex...just sayin'. On a serious note, I hope the kidney u/s was clean. Let me know! I know people, you know.

  3. are we accepting new members? i thought we were hoping to close this division down.

    good stuff christy. "unsterilized ice picks" ...

  4. I love old VHS tapes of wiffle balls hitting balls! My monday nights always consist of two hours of AFV!

  5. Christy,
    Dr.called. All is 'clear'. I'll let you know if I need anything from all your connections :)

  6. Funny stuff! I love reading your blog! I wore my Team Eve shirt the other day. I am glad to know that she is doing well. Hi Nat and Dan!