Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Numbers Game

5% of Wilms patients have it bilaterally. 33% of the kids in our house have bilateral Wilms. It's an epidemic!!!

5-10% of Wilms patients have more than one tumor in the same kidney. Eve had about 13 tumors between the two kidneys.

10% of Wilms patients have anaplasia (unfavorable histology). One of Eve's tumors was anaplastic.

Seriously, Mr. Statistics Dude, give us a break. Ignorance would be chocolate-covered bliss; too bad you can't unlearn things. But I'm thinking maybe we should play the lottery?

I want to be the neighbor of a friend described as, "So positive and happy and laa laa...I thought, either she is in denial of the situation, she is dim, or they're dying and she's lost her mind. After I got to know her, I realized she must poop rainbows and sing to the birds at every sunrise." I might not be able to crap out sunshine like that girl, but I can't sit around and cry all day! It's just cancer, right?

It's just a washing machine. It's just turned itself off randomly in the middle of a load on two occasions. It's like trying to diagnosis a man as a werewolf at noon- you CAN'T diagnosis it unless it malfunctions right then and there. I'm on a first name basis with Calvin the repairman. I'm taking bets on who gets better first: Eve, or the washer? My neighbors are starting to get suspicious with the Sears van parked outside of my house so often.

I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. But if Nat could stop sounding like Becky from Roseanne, that would be cool. "MOTHER!" is not endearing to me. I keep stepping in puddles of sass around here. And how a four-year-old might already know that I am the worst mom in the whole world, I couldn't say.

I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. Even when Dan says, "I'm sowwy I bwoke the lamp." He was in the lampless playroom when he made his admission, so I immediately went into the living room and checked on the floor lamp, which proved to be working and intact. The only other lamp we have downstairs is by the front door, and this, too, was unscathed.

I went back to the playroom. What lamp, Daniel?

"I'm sowwy, Mommy! I bwoke the lamp. It was an accident."

Which lamp did you break, Daniel?

"I bwoke the lamp in the diamond woom."

I know there is no lamp in the dining room, but I went to check it out, anyway. Sure enough, the chandelier is about a foot closer to the dining room table than it was before I took Eve upstairs. And in some kind of calm that I don't experience very often, I simply said, Daddy will have to fix this.


Accident, my ass.


  1. Even super heroes and Disney Princesses have their limit. It might take longer to get there, but I bet mother teresa had a limit too.

    Feel free to get the cabana boy to bring you an extra drink with a pretty umbrella in your lounge chair in bora bora, for the chandelier alone you earned it.

  2. Can you radiate the washer? Just a thought.

  3. I promise we did not teach "monkey business" at preschool today, there was no mention of swinging from chandeliers in our story time.

    When your children tell you that you are the worst mom in the world or you've ruined their life- thank them for letting you know you are doing a great job.
    The sass - well, good luck with that.

  4. Statistics. A heap of crap. People had the stones to tell us how lucky David was, and how Wilms was so easy and then he'd be fine. That was 1 year and 9 months ago, to the day, and we're still fighting.

    Oh, and 50% of the kids in our family have bilateral Wilms. When David was diagnosed it was 100%. Then we skewed the results in the other direction by having another kid.

  5. I guess you and I are both in the "worst mommy in the world club." it is sass and attitude times two in my house. at least our chandelier is still intact though. :-)

  6. I soo totally get you on the statistics thing. Why do we keep having to be in that 1/3! GRRRR

    But hey if Karma really is a Bitch than it OWES our kids. BIG TIME! Eve is gonna get one heck of a payback from Karma - and the GOOD kind.

  7. It looks like the storm after the calm for you. It's okay. I always said I loved my kids when they couldn't talk. It's normal for them to challenge you. They love the sparing with the big people. Hold tight and choose your battles. :)