Hope you enjoyed your vacation...

Because it's time to go back to school.  I really hope those seven days of vacay were good to you.

Daniel, first day of 1st grade and ready to get his game on.  Whatever that means.

Natalie, first day of 2nd grade and ready to still be older looking than everyone else in her class.

They didn't seem to mind.  And I didn't seem to mind sending them back, either.  I mean, we had just spent a WEEK together without the aid of le Wii nor Netflix.  I love them to bacon bits and all, but I'd be doing them a disservice if I didn't let them get an education.  Real love is when you put them on the bus and then go inside to put your pajamas back on.

The kids seemed to adjust to their new school just fine.  I saw no tears and got no phone calls from the school saying Daniel threw up on the kid next to him on the bus or Daniel fell and busted his face.  I don't know what you call it in your house, but over here that spells S-U-C-C-E-S-S.

When the weekend reappeared, we headed downtown to speak at the National Agents Alliance Leadership Conference.  Basically, we got on stage and told them why we love coming to Duke (for the sushi, duh) and then they gave Duke Children's a check to go make miracles and Eve a check of $500 to add to her college fund.  Which now brings her college fund to $500.

Someone had the idea to hand Daniel the microphone, and in front of thousands of people, he made some muscles before speaking, "WOLFPACK!!!  Boo, Tar Heels."  And of course all the smart people in the crowd cheered for the baby caveman with wild abandon.

Eve thought it was a fun time.  There were beach balls and smoke machines and an unlimited supply of mini-bottles of water.  She said it was like being famous for having scars.  I wonder if Seal is surrounded by beach balls and smoke machines and an unlimited supply of regular-sized bottles of water.

I made them go back to school for another week because I love them.  But then the next weekend, we went to visit some friends who live on Lake Tillery and I did not bathe my kids at all because the lake seemed very clean, clean enough, not to have too much kid pee in it, wet.

Mom of the Year makes the kids wear life jackets before she pushes them off the boat.

We all got turns to ride in the towable tube, and while I'd love to share the video with you, I think it would make you nauseous enough to throw up on your keyboard because you can only hold a camera so still on a boat at top speed.  And I can't be held accountable for that.  I can barely feel bad enough for the kid that Dan puked on.  I would have shared it with you if I hadn't stopped recording seconds before Matt and Dan ate it big time and flipped into the water.  Then you would have totally been confused as to how you should be feeling as you laugh up vomit.

I made the kids go to school for a third and final week before they tracked out.  By the time Friday rolled around, I had the van packed and running, just waiting for them to get off the bus.  We drove up to King's Dominion and got there at dinnertime, just as most [normal] people were leaving.  But sucks to be them, because they didn't get to hunt for the gold at the end of the rainbow.

Not that I got to find the gold.  I just got to stand in the rain while my dad insisted I take multiple pictures of this rainbow.  Unfortunately, this is as high-quality as any of them get.

Natalie claimed my dad as her partner, as they both like to go on rides that make you feel like you watched several towable tube videos in a row.  Eve claimed my mom, because both my mom and Eve's idea of a thrilling ride is the carousel.  And Daniel, well, he was stuck with me.  I know this because he said, I guess this means I'm stuck with you, Mom.

Matt was probably at home not getting dizzy on rides.

Nat and Dan went to the bumper cars.  It was an awesome exhibition to watch, as every other car went around the track in the direction they were supposed to.  And then there's Natalie riding shotgun to Daniel, who never makes it anywhere, except to the wall, which supposedly gave Nat whiplash by the way she was sobbing when she got off the ride.  He hurt me with his driving!  And Daniel got hurt, too.  Well, he got his feelings hurt.  The car wouldn't work right!  And there were tears.

Let's go ride these big swings, kids!  End tears.  Mommy is the queen of redirection.

Up in the air, around and around we go.  What if we fall down??  We won't fall down, Daniel.  What if these chains break on my swing???  They won't break, Dan.  It's someone's job to make sure everything is safe.  I don't want to ride this anymore!!!  I don't want to die!

At least he forgot about the bumper cars.

Several other rides went on like this.  They were always Daniel's idea to get on, his idea to ride in the front car, and then as the ride starts and we are going uphill, he starts crying saying he wants to get off.  Why, Dan?  You've ridden this ten times before!  I changed my mind; I can't do this!  Let me off!!!  Stop the ride!  I am scared!  What if the train falls off the tracks?  I don't want to die!!  I would love to hear what was going through the peoples' heads behind us.  Time passes, the ride goes on.  That was awesome! I want to do it again!

Daniel made it loud and clear, many times over, that he did not want to die.  And I kept him from dying.  So, there.  Mom. of. the. year.

When it's late and dark and most people are at home cozy in their beds, King's Dominion makes the park light up all wild.  And there are millions of lights that are synchronized to a techno Peanuts theme.

Although if I ever stumbled upon Charlie Brown at a rave, I'd be like, "Turn that bass down, Charlie Brown!"  Mostly because it's the first thing I'd be able to think of that made a rhyme with all those loud beats and crazy glow-sticks trying to distract me.

The next day, we had the Olympics on at my parents' house and cycling was on.  Which was just what we needed to encourage the kids to get outside and ride.  I wonder if there are shows about cleaning your room with that epic Olympic-themed music in the background?  If not, I have five dollars and will give it to the first person who makes an inspirational video about cleaning your room.  FIVE DOLLARS with YOUR name on it.

Which would bring Eve's college fund down to $495.  Which is still $495 more than both Natalie and Daniel have combined.  Which is why I will keep sending them to school.

We all celebrated my dad's birthday by getting into this cake.  I don't have a name for it yet, but if you can imagine an Oatmeal Creme Pie made into a cake, this would be it.  Except instead of buying it on a college campus at three in the morning, you make it yourself at home with that college degree you're not using.

It was totally six layers of soft oatmeal raisin cookie with that Little Debbie creme pie filling in between, then a ton of cinnamon buttercream on the outside with some candied walnuts on there for good measure.  And sprinkles.  Sprinkles make a party.  And insulin makes a party, too, if you want to wake up the next morning.

Even though I didn't have enough candles, there were still enough to make this look like a nuclear holocaust.

{There were no eyebrows harmed in the making of this picture.}

We had crabs the next day.  Crabs are one of the things I miss most about Maryland (well, besides my family....but I doubt they'd be tasty all steamed and seasoned).  I am glad there are no pictures of this or any crab feast because the sight of me with Old Bay all over my face while I suck the crab mustard out from under my fingernails is probably as appealing as a Nick Nolte mugshot.

If you save me all your crab mustard, I will give you the five dollars I promised the other guy.  If you don't know what crab mustard is, don't Google it because you will think it gives you cancer and it does not.  It gives you goodness.  It gives you what Taco Bell cannot.

I know!  I totally just said that!

We went back to King's Dominion on the way home because I can do a detour as good as the next dude.  It started to rain for a bit, so we ducked inside a theater and watched a show.  And if you think Facebook is responsible for the Duck Face, you've obviously missed a live show at an amusement park in the past twenty years.  Those girls have bee duck-facing all over the place.  I want to throw some stale bread cubes their way.

The kids and I got back home rather late but thankfully NBC only airs the Olympics that anyone wants to watch when it's way past bedtime.  My favorite has been the gymnastics.

I know, I sound like an 8-year-old.

But I'm serious.  You will not get better televised commentary than you will with gymnastics.  There are three voices- two men, one lady.  One of the men and the lady are obviously former gymnasts because they can tell you stuff about gymnastics and they have really high-pitched voices.  Then there is the other guy, the guy with the deeper voice, and this is the guy who is gold.

She pretty much got a little bit hammered.
That is crazy hard!
Balance beam; balance beam.

This is the reason I watch the Olympics.  I might have five dollars for him to come narrate my life.