Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Worst. Day. Ever.

It’s been a while.  This is the all-you-can-eat buffet of blog posts, with lots of strange things that you would never expect to be side-by-side under the sneeze guard.  As with all things on the buffet, most anecdotes will not be held at the proper temperature and most definitely will have been violated by sticky kid fingers.  Eat at your own risk.

As you may recall, we were planning our Triangle CureSearch Walk last month.  Part of "planning" involves hoarding massive amounts of food, preferably food without expiration dates this decade, to bring and share with kids who probably got cancer from eating said bomb shelter foods.  It takes a whole day to go around to grocery stores to collect and redeem gift certificates.  It’s a pain in the ass when none of your door locks will work on your van.  It’s an even bigger pain in the ass when you are miles from home and you break a flip flop.  It would have been nice if I had blew it out in a Jimmy Buffett kind of way, but unfortunately I was completely sober.  (Because I’m thinking grocery shopping at 10 am after a trip to Margaritaville would have been inappropriate.  Fun, but inappropriate.)  I dragged my leg in an effort to keep the shoe on my foot and not one person gave me any funny looks, which means that people today are either really accepting of our differences or no one wanted to piss off the zombie chick.  Luckily for me, I always carry duct tape in my van, you know, when the door panel/driver’s seat/tail light is falling off.  Unluckily for me, this means that I drive a van where the door panel/driver’s seat/tail light is constantly falling off.  My priorities are probably different than most.  Like, I hate cancer but I love to accessorize my vehicle with duct tape and duct tape residue.

But it was all worth it because, seriously, check out that tower of Oatmeal Creme Pies.  It's like Jenga for fatties.

The walk turned out great, thanks to all our committee members who came out hours before most people's alarms went off.  They absolutely do not do this to get a 2-hour reprieve from their children and start going to town on some Swiss Rolls.  The kind of parents who do that are the ones that go for a mid-morning shopping trip after some tequila shots.  We are not those kind of parents.  For the most part.

Our buds Mr. and Ms. Wuf showed up because they're freaking awesome and so are we.  Jo's PhotoMojo came out and got my new favorite furry fotograf of all time.  I kind of want Jo to PhotoShop Matt's head on Mr. Wuf and mine on the miss, with the kids all McKayla is not impressed in the background and then, HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE GRIFFITH FAMILY; WE'RE NOT WEIRD, YOU ARE.

One of my favorite parts of the walk was that we were concurrently hosting a blood drive which means we are incredible multi-taskers and you should really stop asking me why I'm always eating while I'm online because I'M MULTI-TASKING which is a skill interviewers are always looking for.  I have to make sure my resume' stays current in the event I decide to re-enter the workforce.  The benefits for all this volunteer work are pretty non-existent, unless you count the wonderful feeling of making a difference in people's lives, but even then, it really doesn't cover very much of my Humalog prescription.

Okay, I'm pretty sure that's why I am typing and eating a fourth meal all at the same time.

Out of all the times that people have told me my blood type, I've forgotten it within 24 hours.  I remember the unit in high school where we learned about blood types, I just don't remember anything we learned in that unit.  It wasn't until the guy who looked up my blood type got super excited that I decided I was going to remember that I am O-, the universal donor.  So if a vampire decides to suck me dry, he need not worry about cross-matching.  Because vampires are always worried about if the drunk zombie they found mid-morning grocery shopping is a universal donor.  My blood can save the undead and less dead alike.

One thing that I couldn't save, no matter how hard I tried, was Daniel's hermit crab.  We suspected something may have died when the box started to smell.  That, and when I picked up the hermit crab in question, a claw fell off.  It lasted three weeks at our house, which was a personal best for yours truly, and is approximately forty hermit crab years.  Daniel was most sad that I didn't save the Spiderman shell that the crab came in, but I just really didn't feel like fishing the dead thing out and that's that.  Stop being so upset, Dan.  I'm sure this isn't the most traumatic thing that you'll ever experience.

Oh, wait. Today is the worst day ever for me because I lost my special paper clip! [Also] because Evie destroyed my paper airplane.  Mom of the Year found the special paper clip on the bathroom floor later on that day and was surprised what constitutes a special paper clip.  The paper airplane could not be recovered.  Paper Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment.

(Christmases are cheap in this household.)

"I'm not trying to be mean, but you look really ridiculous."  Natalie, number one, you weren't trying very hard and number two, NUMBER TWO, heh heh, how ridiculous did Jesus look when he turned water into wine?  Because I'm pretty sure THAT'S how ridiculous I looked when I found Daniel's special paper clip and turned the wrst Day ever into the bst Day ever.  THAT ridiculous.  

And certainly only half as ridiculous as these two.

That picture will never get old, at least never get as old as Daniel's hermit crab tried to get.

[insert smooth transition here]

I am still doing lots of training for the Ultimate Hike.  Because I didn't learn my lesson last year!  My toe nails are back.  I'M READY.  

During the week, you can find me wearing my CamelBak, walking around and reading my Kindle.  I'm interesting looking to most but at least I'm not pushing a jogging stroller around the lake, running five seconds out of every sixty.  Who do they think they're fooling?  If I put on my hiking boots and go mall walking, that doesn't mean I'm hiking.  Anyway, that's me, the girl behind you saying ON YOUR LEFT!  Which means move your mom herd to the right and let me pass.  Reading A Game of Thrones while you're training really makes you want to ramp up the pace and behead someone.  It also makes me kind of want to fill my hydration pack with mead.

On the weekends, you can catch us with all our ultimateness doing long hikes.  These take up a good portion of the day and I miss a lot of waking moments with the kids.  Luckily, one morning as I was heading out the door while it was still dark outside, Daniel sleep walked out of his bed and started crying, "I think I peed in my eye."  Which I'm pretty sure didn't happen, but sent him to Matt for an interesting wake-up call nonetheless.

Lots of times, you can hike through numerous conditions on the same trail.  After what felt like an hour trudging through the tundra, we came upon this short stretch of happiness and it almost made me want to pee in someone's eye.  

It was so pretty that there were even turtles celebrating by having turtle sex.  I'd post a picture but that seems kind of dirty.  Trust me, it was s-l-o-w.

When I got back home, the first communication I had with any of my children was with Daniel, who seemed to be choking on something.  "I think I ate plastic."  Of course you did.  Go find your special paper clip and stop eating plastic.

Other treks included our famous Ben & Jerry's hike where we go about eighteen miles and end up eating ice cream.  It's pretty much the best motivation ever to kick it into high-gear those last few miles.  

I'm still grieving the passing of Schweddy Balls.  Bring back the balls.  Will hike for balls.  Balls!

No comments:

Post a Comment