Friday, April 20, 2012

Let's get physical!

Though we were in town for the Centennial Cherry Blossom Festival, we didn't venture downtown until it was time for fireworks.  I will never pass up the opportunity to see fireworks, unless they are being set off by rednecks in their driveways.  Rednecks and explosives make me nervous.  Rednecks will light their farts on fire if you hold their beer.

What I want to know is what kind of fertilizer the Japanese use on those trees. If the tree in our front yard can make it another 93 years, I'll give permission from beyond to let a whole mess of rednecks shoot fireworks off in front of our house.

Doubt it could wake this lot up, though.

Sleep hard, party harder!  But seriously, kids, sleep hard.  Tomorrow is Easter and you need your sleep before you get all jacked up on...

Garden supplies??!?

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha...the Easter Bunny collaborates with the dentist to ruin another good holiday AGAIN!  But really, kids, this is a holy day that we celebrate because it is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the first day of spring when Jesus came back to tell us that if you don't like Cadbury Creme Eggs then you can go to youknowwhere in an Easter basket.  Either that, or you can just give me your Cadbury Creme Eggs and I'll tell Jesus you're cool.

Natalie fell out of a tree the day before and rolled her ankle.  She acquired a slight limp until her grandmother told her she could have a head start at the egg hunt because she couldn't possibly run.  Couldn't possibly, Nana.

Praise be!  She's healed!  On this holiest of days, no less.  Jesus wants her to show Nana that Nana should never assume there is a real injury unless you do the jelly bean test.  Which is when you drop a jelly bean on the floor and see how quick the injured sprint to get it.  It doesn't have to be a clean floor, since you will be smacking it out of their injured little hand before it gets to their mouth.

I love how Daniel sneaks up on eggs.  That's why he's so good at finding things filled with jelly beans.  Finding his glasses in the morning?  Finding clean underwear before school?  Maybe he needs to go all Elmer Fudd on those bad boys, too.  Either that, or I should just fill his underwear with jelly beans.

This is how Eve reaches everything.  On her toes and blindly grasping for whatever is almost beyond her reach.  Like eggs or open bottles of nail polish.

And here I demonstrate how to fly a kite two feet in the air, with style.  The secret is to run fast as you throw the kite behind you and keep running, with style.  Wind is not necessary.  Be the change you want to see in the world; make your own wind.  Do not light your own wind on fire.

But really I was just chasing after the kids because I wanted some of those fat pills jelly beans.

The kids really worked together to make a beautiful severed Easter Bunny head cake.

The next morning, I woke up with a migraine.  I think the excitement of the decapitated rabbit was just too much for my head.  My brain has short arms and can't wrap itself around but so much.

I didn't plan on a migraine when I promised the kids we could go back to King's Dominion that day.  I popped lots and lots and lots of pills until it was bearable.  I even tried a few sips of Diet Coke, hoping the caffeine would help.  Know what drinking a shot of a caffeinated beverage feels like when you haven't had it in three years?

YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR HEART IS GOING TO BURST IN YOUR CHEST AND THEN YOU THROW UP.  Yet ice cold cola coming up through my nose wasn't as unpleasant as coffee may have been.

When we arrived at King's Dominion, I told Natalie and Daniel that they would have to buddy-up because Mommy wasn't going to ride anything that day.  I was just going to watch out for Rastafarians.  They went to the height station to get their bracelets and what do you know?

Natalie had a growth spurt over the weekend and moved up to the next height category.  The last one.  The one that she can ride whatever she wants without a responsible adult.

Daniel, of course, expects that he will be moving up to that next category the next time we come back to the park.

Eve was more my speed for the day.  She's still down with the rides that go around in a circle at 1 mph.  She is so adorable that I just want to stow her away in a large handbag like a little lap dog and take her out when I need something cute to snuggle with.  Like, when you go to a 3D Dinosaur show.

" IS 3D!" she exclaims.  And you know she exclaimed because I used an exclamation point.  Then she's the only person in the middle of the theater standing up, trying to swat away the giant Argentinosaur that was coming straight for her.

I know I am a mommy because I was content to watch my kids have fun all day without doing more than standing in line with them.  For instance, they loved the Joe Cool's Driving School ride, where they got to drive cars around on a road complete with lanes and stop signs.  I guess it's called a driving school because you are expected to obey American traffic laws.

Eve spent the entire time on the wrong side of the road.  

But both hands are on the wheel!  Which is more than I can say for Daniel.

And Natalie just kept driving around with a you know what-eating grin on her face (and why anyone would eat you know what and then smile about it is beyond me) while yelling, "I had a growth spurt!"  But she managed to stay on the road for the most part, even if she was never looking where she was going.

Even though my head had some residual throbbing, I did manage to go on two rides that day; the first was the smallest roller coaster I have ever seen that is as long as my kitchen to my living room.  It goes in one little loop and the hills are as high as my dining room table.  It's something that Eve decided she wanted to ride.  The child who hates roller coasters.  She begged to ride it, but she needed a responsible adult to ride with her.  I tried to talk her out of it several times, but my little lap dog was insistent that this is something she wanted to do.

As we ascended to five feet in the air and then moderately descended to an altitude of three feet, she buried her face in my armpit and began to sob, which is an unfortunate place to sob because it makes you look like you're really sweaty.  And that sixteen second ride should be the only reminder she needs that she hates roller coasters this year.

Eve's in for a rude awakening one day when she has her big growth spurt and is too big to fit into the rides that go in circles at 1 mph.

What is amazing to me is that she loves the Flying Eagles ride, which is way more vomit-inducing than the baby coaster.  It's the ride with all those green adults with their eyes closed flying in it, while their evil kids are smiling maniacally as they move the birds to and fro with violent abandon.

If you look up the ride online, you'll see this bit of quick info:

Location: Old Virginia (okay, Old Virginia must be close to Hell, because that is where I go when I ride this ride with Eve.)
Duration: 3 minutes (3 minutes?  Feels like ten.  Good gravy, I'm feeling nauseous.)
Height Requirement: Under 48 inches must be accompanied by a responsible adult (No, please.  What if I just taped all my kids together and added them up?)
-An attraction that families enjoy riding together. (No.)
-Riders steer their course during the 3-minute ride experience. (Are you sure it's only three minutes?)
-The intensity of the rider's experience is determined by their piloting skills.  (So does the intensity of my throw up.)
-This attraction is so much fun you'll want to ride it more than once!  (Who exactly is writing this?)

That picture even makes me sick.  But I rode it with Eve, since Nat and Dan were on a giant roller coaster that I was absolutely not getting on.  Although looking back, I may have felt less sick afterward if I had just gone with them.

The rest of the day, my kids collected inchworms.  They are so desperate for pets that they'll grab whatever is crawling around.

This is just the desperation I am looking for.  Next time they ask for a pet, the are going to be over the moon with the Sea Monkeys I give them.

I don't think their pets could hang on for this ride, though.  The inchworms obviously weren't with responsible riders.

There are lots of interesting things to see when you do nothing but wait in line for your kids.  The weather was nice so there were a lot of ladies showing more skin than they probably should have.  I saw a lot of back boobs.  Each and every set were bigger than my front boobs.

I saw two brothers in line, one probably 8, the other about 10.  The ten-year-old was wearing a Corona shirt.  His brother was double-fisting mega-sized Mountain Dews.  While wearing a Livestrong shirt.  The girl who came up behind them was wearing a shirt that had Snoopy lifting weights and said in bold print, Let's Get Physical!  She was gnawing on a gallon-sized bucket of Boardwalk Fries, which are the only soggy fries that people are willing to pay good money.

Migraines and inchworms?  I'm already writing my acceptance speech for Mom of the Year 2013.  I'm going to get a cool MOTY shirt made up, too, so maybe someday someone will see me and the kids in line at Taco Bell and feature my character in a blog post about irony.  But, of course, they won't even notice the shirt because they'll be too distracted by the dreadlocks coming out of my Rasta hat.

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